Now that we’ve been married for almost 12 years, there are a few things that you’ve learned about me. Like how I will literally not speak to you in the morning, without 2 cups of coffee in my body. Or that it is entirely possible for me to wake up in the middle of the night, have a conversation with you, pee, and then get back into bed…without remembering a thing. (This type of blackout may or may not also happen when I shop at Target.)
Even though you know way too much about me at this point, I will venture to say there are a few things that will still come as a surprise to you. Confessions, if you will. And since you aren’t going anywhere at this point (I’ll fiiiiiiiind youuuu), I’ve decided to share.
1. If ever I tell you that something cost $20….well, really I am rounding down from somewhere within a range of $29-$49. Because the 9’s don’t count and if it’s under $50, it might as well be $20. #girlmath
2. Anytime I’ve ask you to “help me eat healthier,” you should PROCEED WITH CAUTION. This very clearly does not mean that I want you to throw out my secret stash of Dove chocolates. (Side note: throwing them away while still in the wrappers does not work. I will dig that junk out and eat it. Next time, pour sriracha on it.) Instead of falling for my trickery, you should distract me by telling me that I’m pretty, and pray that I will forget my misguided request for accountability.
3. If you happen to notice that new skirt/pair of boots/sweater I’m wearing, I will tell you that I’ve “had it forever.” And by “forever,” you should understand that I may or may not have bought it yesterday.
(Because yesterday felt like forever. I blame the children.)
4. If I’m ever posting family pictures on social media, I will definitely pick the one where I look the best…even if you have bad hair and one eye closed. If you want input on what I post, get in this century and join freaking Instagram.
5. Sometimes I smell the dirty diaper well before you’re actually holding the baby.
6. I like to make you the bad guy. This is because you’re totally the “fun parent” with your “gorilla games” and “Jackson chases.” So sometimes I need you be the one to state the obvious; i.e. “No, you may not cover your brother in honey.” Or “please don’t make your way around the living room using only the furniture.” Or “how about let’s NOT blow bubbles inside the freaking house?”
7. I hate your man-tabolism. (See what I did there?) Because it’s completely unfair that you get to go carb-free for ONE DAY and lose 10 lbs. Just saying.
8. Sometimes I sneak whole milk, butter, and possibly Kalteen bars into your meals. What? Didn't you know you married Regina George?
9. Despite pretending to be an avid fan while we were dating, I really, really, really freaking hate Pearl Jam.
10. I’m totally going to pretend the blackout situation applies to this whole post.
Your crazy wife, who despite all her confessions, really does love you. Also, I WILL FIND YOU.