Last fall and winter, I engaged in what I will call the Season of Bad Decisions. This involved me deciding that donuts don't actually have calories, and wine is good for you. In other words, NO.
I hopped on the scale two days after Christmas, because I really needed to add to my post-holiday depression. I was noticing clothes were fitting slightly less comfortably, so I anticipated a minimal and (not at ALL alarming) 5 lb gain or so.
Imagine my surprise when my MEAN AND VERY RUDE scale told me that it was closer to 20lbs. Apparently, a steady diet of peanut butter M&M's ISN'T good for you after all. #whoknew #everyone
At any rate, that's when I decided to do something drastic and try this intermittent fasting program that several of my blogger friends were talking about. And y'all, I'm down 12 lbs, LOTS of inches, and a bunch of bad habits. More importantly, I've gained discipline around when and WHY I eat, self-confidence, and a LOT of knowledge in the gym. Now, I was a pretty active person prior to this program. I would do killer workouts 5 days a week, and just didn't see results. (Again, killing yourself in the gym doesn't really help when you are also killing bags of candy at night.)
Read all of the FAQS about the program here. The two most frequently asked questions I receive are a) can I have wine? (YES.) and b) can I drink coffee? (Um, I would rather gain all the weight in the world than give up my coffee. So YES.)
I've also gained some great friends/accountability partners on this journey. (Because "this journey" has apparently turned me into a contestant on the Bachelor.) Anyway, I asked my girls to share some of the biggest NO's or DON'Ts they've seen from all of our increased time in the gym. And y'all....I could NOT STOP LAUGHING. Because if you've ever spent any time EVER in a gym, then you will totally relate. You will probably relate even if you have merely walked past a gym at some point in your life.
So, without further ado- here is a list of Gym Rules, (as defined by Lauren, Brooke, Beth, and myself.) Feel free to distribute copies of this important and highly professional document, wherever there are dum dums who don't wipe down their gym equipment.
THE GYM RULES
1. Wear a freaking bathing suit in the hot tub. Despite appearing totally obvious, apparently it is NOT. Ain't nobody need (or want) to see yo lady business.
2. Do not sing while cardio-ing. We're looking at you, lady who sings during the entire spin class. I'm over here dying and gasping for air, so if you're able to sing during a sprint, I may hate you a little. Don't even get me started on the dancing spinners. Imma have to try hard not to reach over and push you off your bike. Just. NO.
3. If you decide that you MUST show your lady business, all over the gym, then, well, engage in some lady-scaping. And that's really all I need to say about that.
4. For the love of sweet baby Jesus, those nice antibacterial wipes are for WIPING DOWN THE EQUIPMENT. My sweat is lovely and smells like roses (obviously), and yet I always, always, ALWAYS wipe down the equipment.
5. If you need to GRUNT LOUDLY and INAPPROPRIATELY while lifting, then I may need to laugh at you. (P.S. This also applies to the people who throw down their weights after a set, because the 15 pounders were SO CHALLENGING.)
6. In addition to your lady business, I really don't want to see your abs. Cover up that killer six pack that was probably made in the kitchen. Because I don't need to be reminded of the self-discipline around donuts that I DON'T HAVE.
7. Don't hover over someone who is on a cardio machine. It is annoying. Clearing your throat will not help, as I plan to get every last single second of my 30 minutes. I love cardio that much.
(No. I do not. I just want to annoy you, hoverer.)
8. Likewise, don't pretend that you still have 10 minutes when you've already been on the treadmill for a LIFETIME. I will come up there and remove you. J/k. I'll go get the manager and tell on you. Same difference.
9. Snapchatting every single second of your workout. I mean, I get it. You want show everyone your kick butt workout. But if you're constantly snapping, then you're really only working that phone finger.
10. Indulging in ALL THE COLOGNE in ALL THE LAND. I don't want to walk through a cloud of Axe Body Spray to get to the free weights, m-kay?
Now that we all know the gym rules, who wants to join me for the next round of The FASTer Way to Fat Loss? Prep week starts next Monday, April 24, and I would LOVE to do this with you ladies. Especially if you don't wear Axe Body Spray or sing during spin class.
Until next time,