Let's be for real. The holidays with kids bring ALL THE FREAKING FEELS. There's joy. There's pain. There's (a lot) of crying (mine AND theirs). There's bargaining and negotiating, and the eating of ALL THE SNACKS.
It's a real treat.
Since I've been a mom for seven years which OBVIOUSLY MAKES ME AN EXPERT, duh, here's a top ten list of things to expect during the holidays with children:
1. You will spend more money than you can possibly imagine. You'll pay babysitters a small fortune on so many nights that your children will probably start calling your babysitter "mommy."
2. Someone will get sick. They will purposely do this on a night when you go out, in order to punish you for leaving them. The babysitter will have to clean poop, pee, or puke off the floor/couch/mommy's favorite Anthropologie jacket, thus ensuring that you guilt-pay said babysitter a premium. Say goodbye to that Christmas gift you were going to buy yourself. Ain't happening.
What? You don't put YOURSELF on your own Christmas shopping list? (*Nervous laughter, nervous laughter) ME EITHER.
3. Someone will definitely get lice. Probably on Christmas Eve.
4. You'll probably get in a fight with your husband.
(Ha. That's cute. You will ABSOLUTELY get in a fight with your husband, probably about how you allegedly have UPS packages arriving everyday. Rude.)
6. You'll try to have a sweet moment with your kiddos and do something adorable, like read the Christmas story. Or go look at 2 hours worth of Christmas lights. They will make you regret this decision. In the most creative ways possible.
7. You'll fight with your husband again. About something critical like WHY HE CAN'T JUST KEEP THE COUNTERTOPS CLEAN BECAUSE YOU JUST WIPED THEM DOWN FOR THE 34TH TIME TODAY, AND CAN HE JUST GO EAT LUNCH SOMEWHERE ELSE?!?!
8. You'll LOSE YOUR MIND and decide to do Elf on the Shelf. Again. You WILL FORGET TO MOVE THE FREAKING ELF, and your kid will be all like, WHY DOES MY ELF HATE MEEEEEEE???? You'll make up some excuse about how the elf is in a depression because MOMMY HAD TO ASK YOU TO PUT ON YOUR COAT SEVENTEEN TIMES AND IT MADE YOUR ELF SAD.
9. You will vow to buy your child only 3 (organic, eco-friendly) toys this year. But then, TARGET. And AMAZON. And ALL THE BLOGGER GIFT GUIDES. And somehow Christmas will look like Toys R Us threw up on your fireplace.
Santa clearly has no self-control.
10. You will look around the dinner table and see that you are surrounded by SO MANY gifts. You'll apologize to your husband for being a CRAZY PERSON for the entire holiday season. You'll have a moment of reflection and gratitude, as your heart fills with joy.
Then you'll find your toddler pooping behind a curtain.
Don't say I didn't warn you.