the truth about spray tans

   SPRAY TANS: Because ain't nobody need to see my natural leg color in shorts  . 

SPRAY TANS: Because ain't nobody need to see my natural leg color in shorts

We all like to be tan, #amiright?  I mean who doesn't want to lose 10 lbs in 10 minutes, and hey, how about someone invent a perma-tan product so that I can stop working out?

Hey Sherri? Someone already did. It's called the SUN.  

Anyway, over the years, if I've learned ANYTHING it's this: sunless tanning is something to be feared and respected. (Well, that AND never buy your daughter cute clothes, because you are embarrassing her and obviously ruining her life.)

Ahem. 

I'm not even including self-tanners in this discussion because HI STREAKS. HI ORANGE FACE. HI WEIRD SMELL. And if you are able to apply self-tanner in a way that looks realistic, then congratulations. You have skills in magic. 

In terms of spray tanning, you basically have two options:  a machine or a person. 

Machine version:  Stand inside the large box. Wonder if the instructions are in actual ENGLISH? Start panicking because that little button is flashing at you and you are RUNNING OUT OF TIME.  Wait, how did my inner thigh get so tan, and why does my face have streaks on it?  Whoops. I may have missed a large part of my forearm, but maybe I can just wear long-sleeves. For the near future. 

Real live person version:  Start panicking because I have to get naked in front of a stranger.  Become nervously chatty, especially when they tell you to turn around and "bend over a little."  (Insert crazy laughing and words that aren't actually WORDS.)  Black out for a minute because OH THE AWKWARD. Stand in front of a dryer for a sweet forever, before waddling out because you don't want to "mess up your tan." Spend the rest of the day trying not to touch anything. Annoy everyone around you. 

Here's what I've learned about spray-tanning, in a long, overly wordy novel nutshell:

Wash your hands even before you take your first shower. Not only is this great for all my germ-phobes (HOLLA), doing this helps you avoid OOMPA LOOMPA hands. 

(But DON'T get crazy or you will end up with Michael Jackson hands.)

On Day 1 of your spray tan, do NOT :  try on white clothes. sit on a white couch.  "wrestle" (ahem!) on your white sheets. let your son play "the spit on mommy's arm" game. 

Day 2- 5 :  Don't GO SHOPPING. You don't ACTUALLY look good in bronze. But your tan will trick you into thinking you do. This will lead to overspending and forgetting that you could've actually been cast as a Cullen in Twilight. Move it along, Francis. 

If you're a nursing mama, and you want to avoid turning your baby's face Brazilian bronze, those little paper undies can be worn sideways as a STRAPLESS BRA. yes. MIND BLOWN. 

What about y'all? Any tanning hacks you would like to share? Or any stories that involve looking like Ross from Friends? I'm open to both. 

Until next time,