amazon and appendicitis

disclaimer : for those of you who are all HOW IS IT ALREADY DECEMBER 13TH, WHY HAVE I BEEN WATCHING HALLMARK MOVIES AND NOT BUYING GIFTS?!?!, WELL. Scroll yourself on down to the bottom for a little something I like to call “WHAT TO BUY YOUR WIFE FOR CHRISTMAS, ESPECIALLY IF YOUR NAME IS JOHN.” Jk, but I AM going to tell you how Amazon (and little old me) can save your procrastinating, holiday slacking hineys.

typical ag. typical me.

But first? A STORY.

You know how, sometimes, you’re all organized and have great holiday content pre-planned and ready to go the moment Black Friday hits? Because you are SUPER FOCUSED and on top of it, JUST LIKE ALWAYS AND WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING LIKE THAT?

#rude #butalsoaccurate

My goal was to plan content for the entire month of December, well in advance. And by “well in advance,” I mean November 29th, because apparently I DO NOT understand my actual personality or my organizational capabilities.

But, as The People Who Make Up Cheesy Quotes once said, Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans. And I’d just like to rephrase that in a way that feels more authentic:

Appendicitis is what happens WHEN YOU’RE BUSY MAKING PLANS.

The Friday after Thanksgiving, AG came home from an outing to the aquarium with her grandparents, and said, “my side hurts. I think I sat funny during the dolphin show.” Instantly, I write it off as a cramp with a side of drama, because GOOD PARENTING. But the pain got worse. I begin obsessing a little (a lot), while weighing my constant anxiety against her ability to dramatize. I conclude that they essentially cancel each other out and she is probably fine.

We go about our evening, which includes lots of yelling about who “got to pick the last movie,” why “this broccoli tastes like barf,” and how SOME OF US are “losing the will to live.”

(No. I have no idea where she gets that dramatic thing from.)

The next morning dawns, and there’s more yelling about who gets to pick the place for Saturday Breakfast with the fun parent Daddy. (a.k.a Mommy’s Time to Relax. If relax means do laundry and make everybody’s bed. Ahem.) I take a moment to evaluate AG based on important medical research from my time at University of Grey’s Anatomy: unimpeded ability to argue with brother = EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

*Narrator: But everything was NOT, in fact, OKAY. Unless you count Sherri’s ability to justify embarrassing amounts of Grey’s Anatomy by calling it medical training. Which is more than okay, it’s freaking impressive if we’re being honest, and hey, am I still pretending to be Morgan Freeman?

AG visibly declines over the next few hours, during which I ask her 17 different times to PLEASE tell me her real level of pain and not whatever level allows her to lay around and watch iPad all day. I tell her we really, really need to know, and then John tells her that, for some types of pain, they have to “cut your stomach open.”

*spends rest of day trying to hide all symptoms and her actual physical self from us.

By Saturday evening, my keen mother’s intuition tells me that something is really wrong. (Or else it was my nurse friend, Anna, plus AG’s sudden inability to walk without assistance.)

And from THAT point, everything was a big blur of tests, googling, and silent freak outs, right on up to her emergency appendectomy early Sunday morning.

Listen y’all. AG is brave as hell. And I want to be just like her when I grow up. She was terrified in a way I never want to see again, as she asked me “but mommy, what if I don’t wake up?” But she held my hand, asked the surgeon her questions, and most importantly, she trusted God, because she knew that He would be with her the entire time. And we knew it too.

Her procedure was quick and “easy,” because her appendix hadn’t ruptured. Afterward, she was living her best life with ALLLL the visitors, gifts, and “delicious room service.” Apparently, hospital food is “way better” than my cooking. And I can’t say anyone is surprised.

The doctors told AG she would need to recover for a week at home. What AG heard was that she would need to boss me around incessantly. And let me tell you, I DIDN’T MIND ONE BIT. I took the week completely off blogging, mostly off social media, and just spent time with my girl. Grateful, intentional time, in which we watched too many Hallmark Christmas movies, had slumber parties every night, and ate our way through all the popcorn in the house. In life, I’m really, really bad at “being present.” It’s a constant battle, and I’m usually losing. But that week was good for both of us, and I probably needed it nearly as much as she did.

With that said, there wasn’t a lot of shopping or cyber monday-ing going on, and since that’s when I get the majority of my holiday shopping done, I hope my kids asked Santa for rewrapped Christmas gifts from last year.

(Jk, they will get to have Christmas gifts. And I will get to have a panic attack getting them here on time.)

(And JOHN will get to have a panic attack at the sheer number of amazon boxes that are delivered each day.)

(*Oprah voice: And YOU get anxiety! And YOU get anxiety!)

You know what helps with holiday anxiety? BESIDES Xanax? AMAZON. Do we really need to do our holiday shopping anywhere else? (Cover your ears, Nordstrom.) Amazon is actually saving Christmas for my family, because not only can I find everything I’ve ever even thought about buying, it arrives in about 2.5 seconds. And considering I haven’t had the opportunity to annoy you guys with an obscene amount of gift guides, I’ve created a few idea lists on my RATMJ Amazon storefront. I believe the words I’m looking for are, “you’re welcome.”

Essentially, I want to do your shopping for you. I mean, I won’t pay for it, and you’ll have to add the things to your cart by yourself. But, my curated idea lists will save you a lot of time and energy finding perfect gifts for all the people in your life. For example, the one your husband will pretend to like, but then take back. That one’s not just going to find itself.

Anyway, here’s a little roundup of my current favorites. Yes. Inevitably it will change in 5 minutes, because I am indecisive and have no boundaries. And also, AMAZON.

1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Ta-da! Now you have ALL KINDS OF TIME for elf on the shelf shenanigans, building actual gingerbread VILLAGES (because apparently one gingerbread house just isn’t fetch anymore), and experiencing holiday-induced anxiety. #tistheseason

And YOU get a Xanax! And YOU get a Xanax!

Until next time,