the stomach bug

Let's face it, before you have kids, a stomach virus is just an excuse to lay around and watch the Housewives without guilt. 

After you have kids, you get to vomit into a trashcan while holding your 8 year old's hair back so she can puke into the toilet.

(Jk, she missed the toilet and vomited all over her bed. Duh.)

It's called the #pukeandrally, am I right, moms? And because if we don't laugh, we'll honest to God lose our ever-loving minds CRY, here's my version of The Stomach Bug timeline.

10:37pm:  Kid 1 comes into your room at approximately 9:32 to tell you that her tummy hurts.  You know she is lying and just trying to avoid bedtime.

You tell her not to come back until there's actual puke to show you.

1:20am : Kid 1 comes back. She now has vomit ALL OVER HER BED to prove that her tummy really did hurt. 

You wonder for a second if she is stubborn enough to actually manifest a stomach virus. 

Then you feel REALLY GUILTY and tell her you'll never ever doubt her again.

(You will.)

1:25am : You attempt to clean up the vomit that has now seeped into her mattress. You are tired and delirious so you decide to throw a towel on it and just cover it up. This seems like a good idea at the time.

(It is NOT a good idea.)

1:35am : Kid 1 is now sleeping in your bed, despite your EXTREME and UNREASONABLE fear of the stomach bug. (Clearly you love her.) You have built a pillow barricade around her to ensure that her germs won't pass over to you. You occasionally pat her head over the pillow fort and offer soothing words of encouragement. 

You wake up to find her breathing directly into your mouth. 

8am : Kid 1 is laying on the couch watching the first of MANY hours of television. She does not have the energy to talk. This makes you wonder if she is actually dying. 

You spend most of the morning trying to keep Kid 1 in an imaginary bubble, so she won't infect Kid 2. 

You look over to see Kid 2 drinking Kid 1's gatorade, while also brushing his teeth with her toothbrush. 

(or something like that.)

12:32pm : You instacart yourself some Gatorade, ginger ale, saltines, and peanut butter m&ms. a) because you deserve them. and b) because if you're going out, you're going out with a bang. 

3:47pm : You finally sit down after wiping down every doorknob, handle, toilet seat, and light switch with a combination of Clorox and prayer.  You realize that Kid 1 just vomited onto your iPhone. 

5:32pm : Kid 1 comes and gives you a big kiss. And then tells you his tummy hurts.