letters : 30's edition
Dear people who told me the thirties would be "the best years of my life,"
You are liars.
I was all, la la la, I can't wait to be in my 30's, because life will be SO FETCH, and I'll be THIRTY, FLIRTY, AND THRIVING.
This is what I THOUGHT my 30's would look like. But ya know--without having to engage in a spray tan, fake eyelashes, and spanx.
HA, no.
Instead, my body creaks when I get up off the floor. Are you serious, knees? Why are you all of a sudden the knees of an arthritic 77 years old? And adult acne? In my actual WRINKLES? I mean, that isn't even fair. It's like, I'm both a GIRL and a WOMAN.
This is an example of the kind of embarrassing behavior that probably should NOT be engaged in during your 30's. On a related note, thank the Lord that there wasn't Instagram in my 20's.
Oh, and hi metabolism! Remember me? Remember in college when I could eat sausage biscuits and drink Mountain Dew on the regular? And you were all, I love you, Sherri! Let me burn that right off for ya. Well, where the heck did you GO? Oh wait. You're hanging out with all the 22 year olds. And their abs. In Cabo.
I hate you.
Not to mention the fact that having children has turned me into an OCD freak. I used to be just fine with leaving my clothes laying around, or dirty dishes in the sink. But then I birthed two little tornados who leave a path of destruction EVERYWHERE THEY GO. One of them can't even remember to flush. the. freaking. toilet. So, I guess it's no wonder that I now follow random strangers around with windex, paper towels, and stainless steel wipes.
It must be so fun living with me.
It's possible that I'm not giving my 30's enough credit, and to be fair, they still have 4 years left to redeem themselves.
But unless my wrinkles disappear and I suddenly gain the metabolism of 21 year old with a tapeworm, well....it's not looking good.
P.S. I'm watching you, 40's.
disclaimer: I'm totally, maybe, PROBABLY joking, and I know life isn't all about being skinny and unwrinkled. If it is, let's be honest, I'm IN TROUBLE. Plus, my 30's gave me my kiddos, so I GUESS I CAN OVERLOOK ALL THE ADULT ACNE AND CREAKING. My 30's also gave me Bachelor in Paradise, so there's that.
