the school email

We all know parenting can be a little scary. And if I'm being honest, nothing strikes fear into my heart like the dreaded school email.  You know what I'm talking about. The ones that go a little something like this: 

  1. "It’s our duty to inform you that someone in the class has lice. (OH DEAR JESUS.) We will be performing lice checks on all students today." (Um, hi. a) my head is now itching like a whole colony of lice lives up in there. And b) I basically just prayed my entire way through carpool, just knowing AG will jump in the car and be all IT’S ME! I HAVE LICE! I will have to explain to her that this is NOT IDEAL.)
  2. "The stomach bug is going around. Please keep your children home if they exhibit any signs of illness."  (In other words, don’t even dare bringing your child if they have a fever of 98.7. And if your kid is the one that vomits, you will be shamed from now until middle school.)
  3. "Dear parent, little Joey has been biting his classmates. Let’s make a plan to deal with his aggression.”  (Oh, it’s fine. Just go ahead and bite him back and he won’t ever do it again. #momoftheyearoverhere)
  4. We need volunteers for room mom, and thought of you.  (Well, that is so nice, but my answer is NO WAY IN HADES CAN I EVEN REMOTELY HANDLE THIS RESPONSIBILITY. YOU DO NOT WANT ME. NO REALLY.)
  5. "Tomorrow we are celebrating the 100th Day of School. Your child has to bring a hundred TEENY TINY ITEMS to school tomorrow.  (Um, can I stick a hundred Xanax to a poster board and call it a day? JUST KIDDING. Mama needs those...)
  6. The “here comes the book fair” email. (Because it is inevitably followed by the "can you help set it up for 10 hours, and also send you kid $$ to buy ALL THE THINGS THAT AREN’T ACTUALLY BOOKS.") 
  7. "Reminder: TOMORROW IS A HALF-DAY." Because I absolutely did not remember that, and now I basically need to arrive at the school and then just stay until pick up. 

What are the scariest school emails you've ever received? 

Until the next one,